Missy cleans my home once a month. She is a single mom raising three daughters. Two different times she talked to me about symptoms she had regarding her menstrual cycle - it wasn't working and she also had severe cramping. About this time I received a book by Nora Hampton telling her cancer experience. Some of the author's symptoms were the same as Missy's. I wanted Missy to read this book but was hesitant because I would be introducing her to the world of cancer. She read the book and decided to make an appointment with a gynecologist.
The doctor examined her and explained that what she was seeing was not typical. There was evidence of a yeast infection so that was treated with medication. Missy was extremely relieved and joyful that her pain and cramping was nothing more than a yeast infection. She was booked for a follow-up appointment.
This time was different. The GYN removed some tissue to be biopsied. Now FEAR came on stage and took the leading role. Missy fell apart. She was faced with the possibility of a cancer diagnosis. Would she live long enough to see her girls grow up? If she had to do chemotherapy how would she be able to clean houses and the church building? This was her only means of financial support.
The FEAR of cancer was palpable. Missy's mind focused on the horrible possibilities. There were many tears. Fear ratcheted up another notch when the biopsy showed some unusual patterns and the doctor wanted to do another biopsy from a different location. Her reaction reminded me of the day in 1987 when I was told my breast biopsy was "suspicious." The month prior I had been referred to a surgeon who found three lumps in my right breast. I was 46 years old. That night I had a vivid dream that I expressed in poetry and titled, "Elevator Dream."
"February
A tall city building unfinished, under construction.
Seven stories completed. Above them open girders.
Upon entering the elevator I touch the button labeled 'TOP.'
Alone, I cling to the center pole as surrounding buildings diminish
and city lights dim.
This upward journey leading to the unknown
creates PANIC... TERROR! Yet an inner peace
-- a strong sense that the elevator is connected
to a cable that I cannot see but know is anchored."
I think the majority of men and women in this situation would find themselves on this cliff, ready to plunge into the unknown. It is a very scary place. Waiting for a diagnosis seems an eternity. Throughout my personal experience with breast cancer, mastectomy and chemotherapy, I found myself overwhelmed when thinking of the worst possibilities imaginable. I expressed this in poetry titled, "Waiting for a Diagnosis."
"September
Yesterday, I thought I was dying -- dying of brain cancer
as I awaited the results of a CT scan because of headaches
--headaches that for two months now come and go.
I know someone who just died of brain cancer.
Awaiting a diagnosis can seem an eternity.
Do I plan for next week, next month?
Is the future cancelled --or at least postponed?
Do I fear death, or do I fear losing life --or the quality of life
to which I am accustomed?
Today, the phone call came. CT Scan normal,
--cause of headaches, unknown.
Headaches now seem unimportant. Cancer cells are not the cause.
Will this fear of cancer remain forever --
a curse I relentlessly bear?"
Missy's reaction to her cancer scare is so typical. First the tears (at least for females) and difficulty focusing on the demands of every-day life. I believe the younger the person the greater the impact. Parents of a young child who is suspected of having a life-threatening illness go through the same cycle of emotions. The world changes.
There is no "right" way or "best" way to deal with the fear of cancer. Some people are stoic and keep their feelings buried within. Others pray and seek spiritual comfort. Finding a good listener is a blessing. Trusting your doctor is important. Internet searches must be verified. Ultimately you realize that today's fear is not necessarily tomorrow's fear. Life is finite and there are limits to what we control.
Missy now shows no signs of cancer. She is being treated with medications for the menstrual cycle and once again is focused on her girls and work. I recently asked her what she learned from this experience. Her answer was that she would no longer joke about nor ignore symptoms she doesn't understand. I asked her if I had done the right thing by giving her the book written by Nora sharing her cancer experience. Missy responded positively. That is what convinced her to seek medical help. I felt relieved that I had done the right thing.
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